A Family Guy Christmas Carol
by aceman88
Summary: Charles Dickens's classic story of the Christmas spirit, as told by the 'Family Guy' cast. Watch as they turn this classic into a steaming pile of poo.
1. An Asshole Named Scrooge

**A FAMILY GUY CHRISTMAS CAROL**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own 'Family Guy' or 'A Christmas Carol', 'Family Guy' is owned by Seth MacFarlane and the FOX network, 'A Christmas Carol' was written by Charles Dickens.

Chapter 1: An asshole named Scrooge.

In England in the 18th or 19thcentury, it's winter and Christmas Eve, so the street is crowded with people going from place to place (since cars weren't invented yet) in preparation for the most festive time of year. Some were in conversation, like the two moustached, bald, muscular men who were walking by.

"I say Phineas, that was quite a workout today." said Barnaby

"Quite right, Barnaby." said Phineas, "So what do we do now?"

"I say, jog around town for the next hour?" answered Barnaby

"Good idea!" said Phineas as the two start running.

We now turn our attention to an apple selling stand, where we see a white dog and a football-headed baby trying to sell some apples to some passer-bys, but with much difficulty.

"Sir? Sir? would you like some Christmas apples?" The dog, who by the way is Brian, said trying to get someone's attention

"Hey! You want an apple? Hey! I'm talking to you! Get back-DAMN!" The baby, AKA Stewie, yelled. He finally got fed up and threw an apple at a man's head, knocking him unconscious.

"We're not gonna sell any if you keep throwing them at people's heads." said Brian

"Whatever, why are we selling Christmas apples anyway? They're just regular apples, what makes them so christmassy?"

"It's a holiday sells gimmick, if we put Christmas in the title of an ordinary product, it sells. Just like those guys." Brian points to the other sellers

"Oranges! Get your Christmas oranges here!"

"Peanuts! Get your Christmas peanuts here!"

"Cotton candy! Get your Christmas cotton candy here!"

"hm, your right, but what about the other holidays in December?" Stewie asked

"Hot dogs! Get your Hanukkah hot dogs here!"

"Ha, it's funny because that guy is selling hot dogs on a Jewish holiday but the Jewish are kosher." said Fouad who just suddenly appeared

"Get out of here." Brian said, he then notices the readers,"Oh hello, I'm Brian. I'll be your narrator for this special Family Guy parody of Charles Dickens's classic tale: A Christmas Carol."

"Woah, woah, woah, wait a second." Stewie interrupts Brian,"A Christmas Carol? We're gonna do a parody of a story that's been adapted over hundreds of times?"

"Yeah, what about it?" Brian asks

"Well there's been so many movies about the damn book, that it's been done to death. It's like every year there's a new version of 'A Christmas Carol'. It's like the king of remakes!" Stewie ranted

"Does that include the CG film starring Jim Carrey?"

"There's another? And it stars Jim Carrey? What the hell!"

"Continue your whining later, right now we have a story to do." Brian faces the reader, "As I was saying, we're here to give you our interpretation of this classic tale, and I'll be the narrator."

"Why are you the narrator? Is it because you know the book by heart? practically everyone knows it by heart, even if they never read the book."

"No, it's because out of everyone on this show, I'm possibly the only one dignified enough to do it."

"Yeah, if you count chewing on your nutsack on a daily basis as dignified."

"At least I'm not claiming to be Charles Dickens, Now if your ranting is done, can we please get on with the story?" an irritated Brian asked

"_To begin our story: Jacob Marley was dead-"_

"Hey, how did you make your voice all wavy like that?" Stewie asked before Brian slapped him for interrupting him, "Owww, sorry...douche."

"_Jacob Marley was dead, as dead as a doornail, if a doornail were alive then died. I mean, as dead as that parrot in that 'Monty Python' sketch. As dead as..."_

"GET ON WITH IT!!!"

_"Sorry, so Marley was dead. In life, he had been business partners with an old-fashioned 18th century asshole named Ebenezer Scrooge. He's the big fat guy who's about to come around that cornor."_

Brian points to a street corner, but no one's coming out.

"So when is he coming?" Stewie asked

"Any minute now." several minutes have gone by, still no Scrooge

"Are you sure it's that corner?"

"I'm the narrator, I know these things, any minute now he'll be coming around that cor-" just than a big fat guy walks into them from behind and knocks their apple stand over.

"Excuse me, poor people, but I just had a two hour long diarrhea, and I don't have time for your pathetic stand." the guy said, and he takes an apple without paying as he walks off.

"In case you were wondering, that was Ebenezer Scrooge, played by Peter." Brian said

"Why the hell is the fat man playing Scrooge?" Stewie asked, "Wouldn't it make more sense for Carter to be Scrooge? they're both old rich guys who are complete bastards."

"Well this is a fanfic parody, anybody can play anybody, even if the casting doesn't make any damn sense."

"Oh, you mean like if someone were to make a 'parody' of 'How the Grinch stole christmas', and they cast a superhero character, like Danny Phantom, to play the Grinch?"

"Yeah, and to add alot of characters than there should."

(**Author's Note**: Apologies to JusSonic, didn't mean to be mean, just a joke...But seriously, having Danny Phantom as the Grinch makes no damn sense. Sorry, again just a joke.)

"Back to the story..."

_"Scrooge was known as the stingiest man in town, he would always take but never give, he never seemed happy or shown kindness to others. The only thing he loved in the world was money_...We actually had a musical number here about how much of a bastard he was, but it got pulled for two reasons: 1, it was like the opening number of 'The Muppet Christmas Carol', and 2, our version had too many curse words in it, and the softies of the network didn't want that in a Christmas special."

Peter/Scrooge walked to a dark, cold building. It has a sign above the door, it reads:**Scrooge and Marley Mortgage- pay us or be homeless.**

_"As you can see, he's so cheap he never bothered to change the sign after Marley died. He didn't even cross it out with a marker."_

(**Author's Note**: I'll just refer to them as their real names, Brian will refer to them as their 'christmas carol' roles)

Peter walks in and finds his one and only employee at work. He has a strong, muscular upper body and sitting in a wheelchair, wearing 18th century clothing and scarf.

_"His one and only employee was Bob Crachitt(played by Joe Swanson), who, just in this parody, was crippled from the waist down. Showing how much of a bastard he was, Scrooge made Crachitt work late hours into the night doing all the paperwork while he just sits on his ass all day doing nothing but counting money."_

"It feels a little warm in here, Crachitt." Peter said, "Have you used some of my coal?"

"Hell yeah I've used some coal!" Joe Crachitt said, "It's freezing as hell in here you cheapskate!"

"How many times do I have to tell you, coal costs money, which I do have enough of but will never use."

"What's the point of even having all that money if you never spend it?" Joe asked

"It makes me feel giddy inside," Peter answered, "Why aren't you using that other heat source I gave you?"

"It's a flashlight, and you didn't even give me any batteries!"

"Hey, they cost extra. Now if you excuse me, I'm going in my office that has a built in heating system." Peter goes into said office and turns the heater up high.

"Wow, he gets a heater only for his office while his employee has to settle for coal that he is never given permission to use." Stewie deduced as he and Brian are now inside the building, "He really is a cheap bastard!"

"That's basically the point." Brian replies

_"Around the holidays, donations are taken to help build new housing for the homeless, fix up hospitals, and better dental hygiene. Can you guess who has never gave?"_

Two men enter, one's an adult and the other is a teenager, both have curly red hair and glasses.

"Hello good sir, I'm Mort Goldman, and this is my son Neil Goldman." Mort said, "And we represent: **Jews for the Homeless.**We go around accepting donations from citizens to help fix up our crap-hole of a city."

"May we speak to Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?" Neil asked

"Mr. Marley has been dead for the last seven years, and there's no way in hell Mr. Scrooge would donate anything." Joe said

"Hey Crachitt, have you seen a penny anywhere?" Peter asks, coming out of his office, he sees the Goldman's, "Who the hell are you?"

"Good day sir, We're Mort and Neil Goldman representing: **Jews for the Homeless**. We're going around collecting donations to fix up our city, would you like to make a donation?" Mort said hopefully.

"Yeah, I like to make a donation." Peter than farts, "Now get the hell out of my building!"

"That was gross," Neil said, revolted at the smell, "But sir, we need some money to make homes, hospitals, orphanages and pharmacies for people who need it."

"Aren't there any jails or work houses they can go to?"

"Well, there are a crap-load of those." said Mort

"Oh, thank god, for a second there you had me worried."

"But seriously, what can we put you down for?" asked Mort

"Nothing" Peter simply said

"Oh, you wish to remain anonymous?" said Neil

"No, I meant I'm not giving a damn thing, now leave me alone!"

"But sir, people would rather die than stay at those places you said." pleaded Mort

"If they're going to die, than they better do it and decrease the surplus population! hell, I'll even spring for some poison for the soup kitchen."

The Goldman's and Joe were staring wide eyed at Peter with their mouths hanging open, even Brian & Stewie were shocked.

"I don't remember that poison part being in the script." said Brian

"You bastard! Come on, Neil, we're leaving, we don't need to bother Mr. Scrooge as he burns in hell!" Mort said, the Goldman's leave, wishing great misfortune on Scrooge as they do

"What the hell, sir?" said Joe

"Back to work, Crachit! Here's some new eviction notices." Peter drops a ton of forms on Joe's desk. Joe reads a few and notices something

"Wait a minute, some of these people already paid their mortgages!"

"I know, but I decided to have them evicted anyway just to show how much of a big ass I am." Peter chuckles, just as he's about to return to his office, a blonde overweight boy enters

"Hey there, Uncle Scrooge!" he said

_"This is Fred, Scrooge's nephew and only living relative, played by Chris. Unlike his uncle, Fred is a nice guy, stupid, but nice and loves Christmas."_

"Fred! What did I tell you about never coming on my property, I hate you!"

"I've come to invite to Christmas Dinner with me and my wife." Chris said

"Why on earth did you get married anyway? The woman is penniless and a moron." Peter asked

"Because I fell in love, uncle," Chris answered, "Well that, and she's sexy as hell."

"Just wait a couple of years," Peter said under his breath

"Come on, uncle, it's Christmas! The joyest time of year where friends and family come together for peace, love and turkey!"

"I don't care if you have pizza, I'm not going! Good afternoon!"

"Oh, come on uncle," Chris pleads, "We'll have pudding, gravy, mashed potatoes..."

"Good afternoon!"

"and ham, and punch, and..."

"I said good afternoon!"

"And cake, and cookies, and..."

"Leave now!"

"And oranges, and apples, and-"

"I SAID GET THE (BEEP) OUT!!!" Peter yelled, holding a shotgun

"AAHH!!" Chris yells, running out the door, but pops his head back in, "Anyway, Merry Christmas, uncle-" Scrooge shoots, hitting the window, causing Chris to runaway like hell.

"HUMBUG, MOTHER(BEEP)ER!"

"Uh, don't you think that was a bit too rough, even for you?" Joe said

"Shut up, Crachitt! By the way, I'm deducting your pay for breaking the window." said Peter

"What?! But I didn't even shoot the window, that was you!"

"Yes, but I can't deduct my own pay, can't I?"

"Why do you always have to be like this?" asked Joe, "I mean why can't you take a Christmas break yourself of being an asshole and be nice?"

"Because I hate christmas!" Peter proclaimed, "If it were up to me, every single dumbass who goes around saying 'Merry Christmas' should be boiled in his own pudding, baked with his own turkey, and buried with a steak of honey through his heart!"

"You know what?" Joe said, wheeling out from behind his desk, "I'm just going to leave early, I can't be near you when you're like this." Joe heads for the door

"What? Fine, if you need the whole day, go ahead, but I expect you here all the earlier the next day!"

"Fine by me. But before I go, I like to give you a little Christmas present." Joe takes out a brown bag, "A bag full of dog crap!" Joe throws it in the fire, "Merry Christmas, you old ass!"

"Crahitt! Get back here and get this-dear god it stinks!" Peter runs out, coughing from the stink, "HUMBUG!!!" Peter collapses.

"Well, that was disgusting." said Stewie

"If you think this was bad, just wait til later." said Brian

**Author's Note:** **Well that ends the first chapter of my Christmas story and my return to writing Fanfiction. I know it's been like forever since I've done one and all I've been doing is reviewing some, but I've got my mojo flowing and I'll be posting more stories soon. I know it's a bit early, but just in case I don't finish this one, I hope you all have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I hope you'll enjoy this story and please review!**


	2. Scrooge's Last Chance

**Disclaimer: **I still do not own 'Family Guy' or 'A Christmas Carol', they belong to the guys I mentioned in chapter 1.

Chapter 2: Scrooge's Last Chance

_"After recovering from the foul stench of fire and dog crap, Scrooge was on his way to a business exchange to relieve some stress by selling some warehouse filled with corn or something..._It's from the George C. Scott version if you're wondering."

"Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Scrooge," said a white haired and mustached man (Carter), he was with some other businessmen: William Gates, Micheal Eisnerfield, and Ted Turnald (hopefully you'll know who these guys really are).

"Bah! What's so good about it?" Peter asked, "First some annoying Jews came to ask for a donation, than my idiot nephew tries to invite me for some crappy dinner, then finally my only employee threw a bag of dog crap into my little fire just because I was an asshole. Does that sound good to you?"

"Actually, that sounds more like the Christmas spirit, except the dog crap." said William

"Christmas spirit? Having Christmas spirit to me is like having a brain tumor." Peter said sternly

"Because brian tumors are like cancer." Ted said

"Yes, Ted, that was the joke." Carter said

"You know, Scrooge, you really need to be more joyful," said Micheal, "You know what they say: All work and no play makes Johnny die of a heart attack."

"Not very bright on the sayings, ain't they?" Stewie said to Brian

"Whoever said that must be living in a poor house."

_"Meanwhile in town, Fred and Bob Crachitt just happened to run (or in Crachitt's case, wheeled) into each other."_

"I'm sorry about what happened in the mortagag house earlier, Master Fred." said Joe

"That's okay, Bob," replied Chris, "But I think he is getting a bit kinder: This year he tried to shoot me with a shotgun, while last year it was a machine-gun."

"I'm starting to suspect you don't really have alot of brains, do you Master Fred?"

"Oh look!" Chris spots some kids sliding on some ice on the street, "It's a winter slide! You wanna slide Mr. Crachitt?"

"Sure, why not." Joe throws himself out of his chair and slides on the ice very fast, "YES! YES! GET SOME! GET SOME!!!"

"Haha, WHEEEE!!!" Chris goes down the ice as well, unfortunately he goes down a little too fast, he continues sliding down the street, even when there was no more ice, "AAAAAHHHH!!! MR. CRACHITT, HELP!!!" Chris knocks some people down, eventually crashing into a fruit stand.

"Wow," Joe wheels down to him, "Imagine what would've happened if cars were invented at this time."

"Well that was entirely pointless." Stewie said

"Well all that is just to pad out the chapter til we get to the most important part." said Brian

_"That night, Scrooge returned to his home: A big house which originally belonged to his partner, Jacob Marley. He was planning to spend Christmas Eve the way he always spends Christmas Eve: Alone, eating some gruel by the fireplace and hating the world."_

"If I actually gave a damn, I'd feel sorry for him." said Stewie

_"But this Christmas Eve would play-out very differently for the old ass, something that will change his life possibly for his sake."_

Peter walks up the stone steps to the front door, as he was trying to find his key, he didn't notice the lion-like knocker change shape into a human face. Peter looks up and sees the knocker

"AHH! Batman?"

**_"Close..."_** the knocker said

"Marley!?"

**_"SCROOOOOOGGGEEE!!!"_** The knocker yells, Peter screams in horror and falls down the stairs. The knocker changes back into a lion.

"Holy crap!" Peter cautiously walks back to the door, "Man, what kind of drug am I on?"

Peter is later in his nightgown and robe, and like Brian said, he was sitting in front of the fireplace in his bedroom and eating a bowl of gruel.

"God, this stuff is horrible," Peter said after having a spoon of gruel, "Why do I always eat this crap? It always causes me to run to the bathroom every night, I need to order Chinese." suddenly, all the bells in his room begin ringing all by themselves.

"Dammit! Why do I have so many bells?"

**_"SCCCCRRRROOOOOGGGGGEEEE!!!"_** An ominous voice says, the bedroom door suddenly slams open, and a ghostly figure in chains comes flying in.

"Oh my god! Who the hell are you?!" Peter says in freight

**_"Ask me who I was."_** the ghost said

"Okay, who the hell were you?"

**_"In life, I was your partner: Jacob Marley!"_**

_"Played by Mayor Adam West." _

"What? You can't be Jacob Marley! He died seven years ago this very night!"

**_"Why do you doubt your senses?"_** West asks

"Well, any simple thing could affect them," answered Peter, "like a slight disorder of the stomach: You could be a bit of undigested beef, a crumb of cheese, an underdone potato, or beer. There's more of gravy than a grave about you!"

**_"More of gravy than a grave? That joke sucks!"_**

"Hey! I'm just trying to think logically here! Though, come to think of it, I didn't eat any of those things today."

West screams bloody murder and his chains move about all over the place,

"AAAHHHH! Holy crap! Okay I believe, I believe!" Peter said, cowering in fear, "But why do you come to me now? Why do spirits walk the earth?"

**_"It is required by every man (or woman) to have his spirit walk along his fellow man far and wide."_** West said, **_"Unfortunately, since I never done that in life, I'm condemned to do so in death. And to make matters worse, there's no taffy in the afterlife!"_**

"Well that's sad to hear, but what the hell's with the big-ass chain?"

**_"This is the chain I forged in life!"_** West answered, **_"Link by link, yard by yard, I forged this with every moment I've acted like an ass! I am forced to carry this damn thing for all eternity."_**

"That's horrible!"

**_"If you think my chain is bad, you should see your's, it's like the length of 50 football fields!"_** West said matter-of-factly, **_"Try carrying that for all eternity!"_**

"Oh please, Jacob! Speak some comfort to me!"

**_"Do I look like I'm in the mood for comforting? I've been traveling these past seven years, I can't rest, I can't eat, I can't even go to the bathroom!"_**

"But you have always been a good man of business."

**_"Business? Mankind was my business! Common welfare was my business! Charity, mercy, forbearance, you get the story!"_**

"Why is it you come to me now, Jacob?"

**_"To warn you that if you don't change your ways, your fate will be the same as mine!"_**

"Oh my god! How can I change? Is there any hope?"

**_"Well, there is one way you can change your fate."_**

"I'll take it!" Peter said quickly, "I don't care what it is, I'll take it!"

**_"Alright then. Tonight, Scrooge, you shall be visited by three ghosts!"_**

"Say what now?"

**_"You shall be visited by three ghosts!"_**

Peter stares at Mayor West in mixed confusion.

"Three ghosts?"

**_"Yes."_**

"All tonight?"

**_"Yes."_**

"And that's the only chance I have to change?"

**_"Yes."_**

After a few seconds of silence, Peters says, "Thank you, Jacob, but I rather stay as an asshole."

**_"NNNOOOOOO!!!! YOU'LL TAKE THEM WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!"_**

"AAAHHHH!!! Alright, but couldn't I take them all at once?"

**_"No."_** West goes to a window that suddenly opens by itself, **_"Expect the first ghost when the bell strikes 1:00!"_** West begins to fly out the window

"Wait, Jacob! I still have one more question!" Peter yells

**_"What?"_**

"What the hell is that thing on your head?" Peter points to the cloth that's wrapped around West's head

**_"Oh this. I had a major toothache before I died, and it stills hurts!"_** West holds this jaw in pain, **_"Farewell, Scrooge! Don't expect to see me again! Well, not until you're dead too! When that happens, could you try to bring me some taffy?" _**Mayor West vanishes into the night, and the window slams shut on Peter's face.

_"With Marley's parting words still deep in his mind, Scrooge headed to bed, hoping that this was really nothing more than an hallucination brought on by bad food, and hoping he would get a peaceful sleep. But we all know that's not gonna happen."_

**Author's Note: I know this chapter is a bit shorter, but I know we all want to get to the ghosts as soon as possible. Next chapter, the action will pick up as Scrooge/Peter is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past. See if you can guess who's playing the ghosts or any other characters. Also, please tell what's your favorite version of 'A Christmas Carol', whether it's a movie, a cartoon or anything that's inspired by the tale. Thanks!**


	3. The GiggityGhost of Christmas Past

**Disclaimer:** By the writing of this chapter, I still do not own 'Family Guy' or 'A Christmas Carol', and probably never will.

Chapter 3: The Giggty-Giggty Ghost of Christmas Past

_"1:00 came, Scrooge was hardly asleep as the bell in his clock ranged once."_

As Brian said, the clock ranged and all was silent. Peter looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary, he calmed down some.

"I knew it," Peter confidently said, "Old Marley was one to never keep his word." Peter layed down, thinking no spirits will even come. As soon as he closed his eyes, the curtains on the right side of his bed shot open, and a very bright light came shining through.

"Hey there, Scrooge!" a voice from the light said

"AHH!!" Peter screams in surprise, falling out of bed on the opposite side of the light. He nervously lifts his head up, and peeks at the apparition. "W-who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past," the spirit answered, "Sorry I'm late, but I had to make Vanessa Williams have a little Christmas spirit in my own special way. Giggity!"

"Let me guess," said Stewie, "That big perv Quagmire is playing the Ghost of Christmas Past?"

"You got it." said Brian

"Christmas Past? You mean long past?" asked Peter

"Nope, your past," answered Quagmire, "But I do have something that is long, OH!"

"Pardon me for asking," Peter said, "But where is that light coming from?"

"I'd tell you, But that would cause the rating of this fic to raise, OH!"

"Enough with the sex jokes, what's your business?"

"Oh, well I'm here to take you through images of the past to show you and the readers why you became such an old rich dickweed." The window opens and Quagmire walks to it, "Now come with me, Scrooge, we've got many things to see."

"What? Me fly out there? But I'm mortal, I'm liable to fall!"

"Fear not, Scrooge. Just touch my hand and you'll be light as a fat feather." Peter grabs Quagmire's hand and steps off the window ledge...only to go plummeting down and landing hard on the ground.

"Okay, that didn't work." Quagmire gently lands next to Peter's possibly broken body, "I guess we have to use Plan B." The DeLorean time machine from the 'Back to the Future' films appeared next to them.

"What the hell is that doing here?" asked Stewie

"Hey, it's a fanfic, anything could happen." said Brian

"Oh, so we're using that excuse? That's even worse than saying a wizard did it."

Peter & Quagmire entered the DeLorean with Quagmire in the driver's seat.

"Um, are you sure this is safe, Mr. Ghost?" Peter asked

"Sure it is," answered Quagmire, "I've used this to bone every hot women figures in history, Giggity!" he presses some buttons on the time thingy, "Now hold on, Where we're going: There's absolutely no roads!"

The DeLorean speeds off, disappearing as it reaches 88 miles per hour, leaving behind flame covered tire tracks. The car suddenly appears in a open field in daylight and comes to a stop, the old guy and the ghost pop out.

"See, no one got hurt." painful moans are heard as the pair look back and see several people down on the ground with flaming tire tracks on them, "Oh, I'm sure those guys weren't important to history."

The two walk for a bit before coming across a large building with many children riding in stagecoaches away from it.

"You recognize this place, Scrooge?" Quagmire asks

"Oh my god! This is my old schoolhouse!" Peter said with a mix of surprise and joy, "I was a boy here! And I even recognize some of these boys!" Peter attempts to call some of them, but they don't seem to hear him.

"These are just images of the past, Scrooge, they don't see or hear us."

"Hey look guys!" a boy said pointing at the pair, "There's a big chinned guy in a dress and a fat guy whose' chin looks like a pair of testicles!" he and some other boys laugh at them.

"Okay, they could see us, but they usually ignore us," Quagmire leads Peter to the school, "Now let's go inside, I'm sure you know your way around."

"Know it? I could walk it blindfolded! Wanna see?" Peter wraps his sleeping cap around his eyes and begins running to the school, but ends up running into the front door.

"That's nice, but let's do this my way." Quagmire grabs Peter and suddenly the two find themselves in a classroom. "You recognize that boy, Scrooge?"

"What boy?" Quagmire removes the sleeping cap from Peter's eyes so he can see the boy, "Oh him,Oh my god that's me!"

_"Indeed, Scrooge saw a younger version of himself from his childhood days, depressed since it's Christmas time, and every year all the students were allowed to go home to celebrate with their families, but every year Scrooge stayed behind, alone,_

"Hey, Ebenezer," said a fellow student, "It's Christmas Eve, aren't you going home?"

"No, my father thinks staying alone at school will make it better for me to study," said little Peter, "Well that, or make me distant and unsociable."

"So you're staying here all by yourself?"

"Well not really, I don't think Charles Brown is going home either."

"Good grief, even my own parents hate me." said Charles Brown (yes it's Charlie Brown from 'Peanuts')

"Well, see ya Ebenezer!" The boy leaves, and little Peter reads his book, with a very sad expression on his face.

"My father was a real jerkass," said the older Peter, "He's hated me ever since my mother died giving birth to me"

"That's sad, was it because of some complications?" asked Quagmire

"No, I was born too fat and broke her vagina."

"OH!"

"Will you stop doing that!"

"Sorry, force of habit. But from what I can recall, there's at least one family member of your's who loves you."

The door of the classroom suddenly opened, and a teenage girl walks in.

_"Scrooge stood transfixed as he recognized the girl, the one person who made him feel loved, his dear late sister, Fan (played by Meg)."_

"Fan? She-she's alive!" Peter runs over to hug her, but she goes right through him, "What the hell?"

"What part of 'these are just images from the past' did you not understand?"

"Fan? What are you doing here?" asked little Peter

"Oh, Ebenezer, my brother, I have come to take you home." said Meg

"Home? But, doesn't father hate me?"

"Oh, father has become much nicer than he use to be, one night, he spoke to me so gently, I had the courage to ask..."

_**FLASHBACK...**_

_**We see Meg in bed with her and Ebenezer's father, played by Francis, sitting next to her bed.**_

_**"Oh father, can my brother, Ebenezer, come home?" Meg asked**_

_**"No! That fat son of a bitch can stay at that school and rot for all I care!" Francis said bitterly, "If you ask me, he might grow up to be just a fat stinkin' drunk!"**_

_**"Oh, come on, father. Get over it already!"**_

_**"No! I refuse to let that little bastard set one foot in this house!"**_

_**END FLASHBACK...**_

"So, I had him arrested for tax fraud, we now own the estate and you'll never to return to this hellhole ever again!"

"Yeah! Oh Fan, this is the best Christmas ever!" the two run toward the door, "See you, Charles Brown!"

"Good grief." Brown said, the pine needles all fall off his midget of a tree.

"Your sister had an heart of an angel, but was ugly as sin." said Quagmire

"Hey, shut up! Sure she wasn't great to look at, but we loved each other!"

"Sorry, but as I remember, she died a young woman, didn't she?"

"Yeah, too young."

"But she did have children, right?"

"One child, my nephew, Fred."

"Yeah, I could see the resemblance. Let's go see another Christmas."

Snow seems to spin around the two, transporting them out of the school and in the middle of a town street a couple of years later.

"Do you recognise this place, Scrooge?" Quagmire points to a building, there's a sign on it that says: **Fezziwig's Little Boys Clothing.**

"Oh my god! This is old Fezziwig's shop, I was apprenticed here," said Peter, "Hey, wait a minute, if you could transport us through time like that, why did we need the car?"

"Hey, we had to put an 80's movie reference here somewhere."

The two enter the building, where the employees were setting up the place for the big Christmas Ball. We see a frail and skinny old man watching the men work.

"That's it, don't sprain those sexy hamstrings." he said

"Wait, Herbert the old pedophile is playing Fezziwig?" Stewie asked

"We couldn't really think of anyone else to play him." Brian said

"Good old Fezziwig, alive again after all these years." Peter said

"Again, 'Images of the past', get that through your head!" yelled Quagmire

The party started, everyone was having a good time: The then still alive Jacob Marley/Mayor West was playing 20 questions with some people...

"Am I a mammal? yes, do I eat bugs? yes, am I an anteater? yes! Well played, worthy adversary." said West

"But we didn't even answer, you just did that game yourself!" said one of the players who didn't get to play

"Are you saying I cheated? You stained by honor sir!" West pulls out a shotgun and shoots the guy, "Does anyone else want to mess with Jacob Mar?"

Fezziwig was 'entertaining' some children...

"Hey there, little men," Herbert said to some little boys, "How about you sit on old Fezziwig's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas."

"But you're not Santa." said one little boy

"Well...I really am Santa, I just shaved my beard." Herbert lied

there was even a band playing random Christmas tunes. However, a young Scrooge (80's Peter), stood in the corner looking uninterested, that is until a beautiful Redhead entered the room. He was awestruck and nervous when she walked up to him.

"Greetings, Mr. Scrooge, my name is Belle." she said, "I'm a friend of the Fezziwig family, they told me so much about you."

"I-I-It's nice to meet you, Belle." young Peter said

"Oh my god, it's Belle," said Older Peter, "The only woman I've ever loved besides my sister."

"Woah, now that's a nice piece of ass!" Quagmire said

"So Lois is playing Scrooge's girlfriend," said Stewie, "Why am I not surprised?"

"Well, that is one of the most obvious roles in this story." said Brian

"Hey, Brian, I have an idea: Let's pee in the punch bowl."

"What?"

"Come on, it'll be funny. Since we're narrators, nobody will even notice us!"

"You make me sick, now let's get back to the story."

The band begins playing a familiar tune from a popular 80's movie as Herbert takes the microphone.

"So, um, do you wanna dance?" young Peter asked Lois

"I love to." Lois answered, the two take center stage as Herbert sings

_**Herbert: Now I had the time of my life-**_

**(So yeah, this scene is a parody of the final dance scene of 'Dirty Dancing', and since I don't really feel like writing and describing the entire scene, just go on Youtube or if you have the movie, just place Peter & Lois in the place of Patrick Swayze and that girl who I don't really care to look up her name.)**

"Wow, I didn't know the fatman could move so gracefully." said a stunned Stewie

Older Peter looks on, with happy memories of the event returning to him. He watched almost teary-eyed as his younger self and Lois kissed.

"I fell in love with her at that moment, spirit." Peter notices Quagmire wasn't responding, "Spirit? Spirit?"

"Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-" Peter looks down and sees Quagmire laying on the floor with his head under a woman's dress.

"Hey!"

"Sorry," Quagmire stands up

"What the hell? I thought we were just here to look at images of my past."

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't hurt to have just a little fun while we're at it." Quagmire gets back to the story, "But doesn't it seem to be a small matter, what did this party cost him? three or four pounds?"

"It wasn't the money! Old Fezziwig had the ability to make us happy or upset, to be soft or hard. If it wasn't for the fact that he was revealed to be a pedophile, he would be the greatest boss ever-" a realization comes to Peter, "Gee, come to think of it, I really have been an asshole to my employee, Bob Crachitt."

"Let's go, there's still one more Christmas for me to show you." The two now find themselves in a snow filled park.

"Oh crap! Not this day!" Peter panicked, recognizing the day.

We now see Peter & Lois walking in the park, but they seem to be less happy than they were earlier.

"Do you still love me, Ebenezer?" Lois asked

"Of course I do, Belle, why do you say that?" past Peter said

"You have once again cancelled our engagement this year, another idol has replaced me in your eyes." Lois waits for a response, she looks to find Peter throwing and catching a coin in his hands, laughing in glee. "Stop that! See, you don't care about me anymore! all you love now is money!"

"That's not true!"

"You've cancelled our last two dates so you could count all your money."

"Hey, I can't help it if I feel I'm missing some cash, you know you're the most important thing in my life."

"Oh, than if you were some rich coot years ago, would you still choose a poor and unwealthy girl like me?" past Peter takes a long time to answer, "Well?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"I knew it!" Lois sighs, "What were we kidding? The promise we made was long ago and we were young," Lois removes her ring, "I release you, Ebenezer Scrooge, I release you to your cold and greedy life!" Lois runs off

"Fine, that's okay with me! Your nose was too big anyway!" past Peter begins to cry and runs off in the opposite direction

Quagmire slaps present Peter upside the head

"Ow! What was that for?" Peter asks

"I can't believe you let a hot chick like that go!" yelled Quagmire

"I can't help it, love would've cost me alot."

"Love doesn't cost a thing! I would pay that much money you have right now just to get a hooker!"

"Well, I see you know alot about me, but know jack-shit about business!"

"That's it!" Quagmire goes into the DeLorean (which somehow got there from the childhood year) and revs it up.

"Uh, Spirit? What are you doing?" Peter suddenly gets nervous, the DeLorean drives full speed towards him. Peter tries to run, but gets slammed onto the hood, the car goes to a schreeching halt and Peter is flunged onto his bed, dragging the sheets off as he lands on the floor. "Holy Crap!"

"Yes, nothing says the Christmas spirit quite like vehicular homicide." said Stewie

**Author's Note: So that finally ends another chapter, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish this story before Christmas. But I will finish this, that's for sure and you can read it for next year's Christmas. I hope you had a Merry Christmas, and I wish you a happy New Year.**


End file.
